I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
