I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
