She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
