Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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