Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize