my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
