I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
