I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I skipped work to stalk him.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
