one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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