I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
