ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
