She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize