If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
