the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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