dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
