Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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