how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
