I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
