i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
