Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
