I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
