So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
