I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
