hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
