"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
