it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
