He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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