I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
