Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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