"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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