I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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