Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
