I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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