I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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