Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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