So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
