I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
