she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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