I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize