Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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