mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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