i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
