Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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