We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
