I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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