The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
