just tell him i said nine months
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
