Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
