I wish I could teleport
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Vodka?
Forever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
