I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize