My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
