The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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