I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
