Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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