i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
