My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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