***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
