Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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