You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
