Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There's always time for handjobs
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
